It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
