On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Drunk is not a location!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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