..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
