dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
