hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
