drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
