Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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