saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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