I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You ate ashes out of my bong
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