2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
