I'm really into asian looking animals
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
3 2 1 whiskey
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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