I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
