i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
