Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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