You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
