i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
