i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
