We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
