Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
