i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
