theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize