At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
