My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
