we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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