Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
