he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
