Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just gift wrapped bread.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize