He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
