They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
