Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
