She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
how drunk are you?
Several
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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