She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
