So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize