cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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