She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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