During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
