I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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