I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
