Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
