Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
