For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize