I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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