I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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