I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
