I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
