why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
