So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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