Don't make out with my wife yet
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize