she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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