There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
