wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
