i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
