Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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