Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
