There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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